Welcome to the accounting department — where everybody counts.
What’s the most wicked thing a group of young accountants can do? Go into town and gang-audit someone.
What’s the difference between an accountant and a lawyer? The accountant knows he’s boring.
Two accountants are in a bank, when armed robbers burst in. While several of the robbers take the money from the tellers, others line the customers, including the accountants, up against a wall, and proceed to take their wallets, watches, etc. While this is going on accountant number one jams something in accountant number two’s hand. Without looking down, accountant number two whispers, “What is this?” to which accountant number one replies, “it’s that $50 I owe you.”
What does CPA stand for? Can’t Pass Again.
What’s an accountant’s favourite book? 50 Shades of Grey.
What’s grey and not there? An accountant on vacation.
What’s grey on the inside and red on the outside? An accountant turned inside out.
How do accountants make a bold fashion statement? Wear their dark grey socks instead of the light grey.
What’s grey has 6 legs, 2 arms and is twenty feet tall? An accountant riding an elephant.
Accounting is accrual world.
There are 3 types of accountants. Those who can count and those who can’t.
A fine is a tax for doing wrong. A tax is a fine for doing well.
What music is played at a financial accountant’s funeral? The Last Post.
What do you call an accountant without a calculator? Lonely.
What do you call an accountant with an opinion? An auditor.
How many accountants does it take to change a light bulb? It depends on how much money do you have.
Have you heard the joke about the interesting accountant? No. Me neither.
How was copper wire invented? 2 accountants were arguing over a penny.
Why don’t accountants read novels? Because the only numbers in them are page numbers.
What do accountants suffer from that ordinary people don’t? Depreciation.
Budget: An orderly system for living beyond your means.
An accountancy student asks a partner to explain ethics in accountancy. The partner thinks for a moment and relates the following.
‘Mr Jones, one of our clients, came to see me last week and paid me his bill of £1,000 in cash. As he left I counted the notes and they came to £1,100.
The student said. ‘ I see. The ethics question is do I tell the client?’
‘Wrong answer!’
The question is do I tell my partner’
Why are accountants always so calm, composed, and methodical? They have strong internal controls.
A business owner tells her friend that she is desperately searching for an accountant. Her friend asks, “Didn’t your company hire an accountant a short while ago?” The business owner replies, “That’s the accountant I’ve been searching for.”
Why do accountants make good lovers? They’re great with figures.
What do you call an accountant without a spreadsheet? Lost.
What do you call an accountant who is seen talking to someone? Popular.
What do you call a financial controller who always works through lunch, takes two days holiday every two years, is in the office every weekend, and leaves every night after 10 p.m.? Lazy.
If an accountant’s wife cannot sleep, what does she say? “Darling, could you tell me about your work.”
How do you drive an accountant completely insane? Tie him to a chair, stand in front of him and fold a road map the wrong way.
There are just two rules for creating a successful accountancy business: 1. Don’t tell them everything you know. 2. [Redacted]
What do you call a trial balance that doesn’t balance? A late night.
What is the definition of “accountant”? Someone who solves a problem you didn’t know you had in a way you don’t understand.
Why don’t old accountants die? They just lose their balance!
Accountants don’t die, they just get derecognized.
Why did the accountant stare at his glass of orange juice for three hours? Because on the box it said Concentrate.
You might be an accountant if you have no idea that GAP is a clothing store.
Accountants Best Defense: We’re not boring people. We just get excited over boring things.
An economist is someone who didn’t have enough personality to become an accountant.
What does an accountant say when boarding a train? ‘Mind the GAAP’.
Where did the accountant buy his new clothes? GAAP.
Why do economists exist? So accountants have someone to laugh at.
Why was the accountant so excited that he completed a jigsaw puzzle in only 59 weeks? Because on the box it said 8-12 Years.
What’s the difference between sperm and an Accountant? The sperm has a 1 in 250,000 chance of becoming human.
Why doesn’t Madonna mind about small differences in her financial statements? Because she’s living in a material world.
Did you hear about the constipated accountant? He had a ton of paper work to do. But no matter how hard he tried, he couldn’t budget. So he decided to work it out with a pencil.
How can you tell when the chief accountant is getting soft? When he actually listens to marketing before saying “no.”
What do accountants do for fun? Add the telephone book!
Why are Accounting Departments so welcoming? Because everyone counts.
What does an Accountant use for birth control? His personality.
What does an accountant say when you ask him the time? It’s 9.18 am and 12 seconds; no wait – 13 seconds, no wait – 14 seconds, no wait……
